


TFW no nipples :(

by PirateNinjaOutlaw, ShutUpZippy (ZippyZapmeister)



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Crack, Other, answer pls??, why do none of them have nipples
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 19:24:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8114545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PirateNinjaOutlaw/pseuds/PirateNinjaOutlaw, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZippyZapmeister/pseuds/ShutUpZippy
Summary: xander has no nipples and bad things happen because...no nipples.jpg





	

**Author's Note:**

> me and AJ hate ourselves and we also hate you so here's this hot pile of shit

one day xander went up to charlotte and said “nohr is still poor but for some reason today we’re slightly less poor”

 

charlotte, who is NOT a gold digger srsly, said “amazing...im hrony…c’mon bby lets go to the bedroom so i can suck your dick and see your sexy nipples”

 

xander began to sweat.  _ nipples?? what?? Is that the new name for flesh swords?? _ “yes,” he said, “you can see my  _ ni-palls _ , definitely”

 

charlotte noticed he was talking weird but listen she didn’t give two fucks. when you’re about to get smacked in the face with a meat rod you don’t care if your partner acts like nipples are weird. she did that scary ass face where she sticks her tongue out then dragged xander to the bedroom

 

allow us to clear things up. bet youre thinking “aww how cute xander doesn’t know what his nipples are called” but listen fucko you are wrong. He Doesn’t Have Nipples. theyre not there. no nipples at all.  just a smooth surface there. That’s your daily lesson in Xander Anatomy™

 

they get to the bedroom and xander whispers “ _ let’s make a siegbert _ ” and charlotte stares in his eyes and rips her fucking clothes off. She neked.  Woooohoooo  bobbies HOOOOOOOOOOO BOY THEM  JUBBLIES

 

she whispers “fuck me on a pile of money” then she remembers nohr is broke af, damn, corrin should have picked hoshido. Charlotte literally JUMPS on xander and screams “FUCK ME IN THE ASS FOR THE DUSK DRAGON DADDY” 

 

xander tears his pants off and roars “SUCKY MY CUCKY MCFUCKY” 

 

Charlotte is impressed with his giant fuck stick. “Hold on bby,” she says seductively, “dont u wanna take your shirt off and let me see those  nip-nops ??”

 

“What are….those…..”  _ what the fuck _ , xander thinks. “Ok hold on”

 

Xander struggles out of his armor and reveals his six pack, along with……….nothing at all. Nothign there. Thanks nintendo!!

 

hees  nodle hair cascads down to da floor, all the way past his platinum donger. charlotte is amaze but also disgust. “dam  son where are ur  nipples ,” she says very matter-of-factly. “No  nip-nops ?.?!,?”

 

“Srsly what are those ive never heard of them” xander is confuse. He has long sexy nodle hair (don’t question us on this) and a three foot donger what else could she want what is so  _ great _ about  nopples ???   
  
  


 

charlotte points to the nood man and cheers “WHAT A FUCKIN SURPRISE YOU DONT KNOW WHAT   NOOP NOOPS ARE!!!!!11!!1!! they’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR  TITTIES ! YOUR  BRESTICALS ! YOUR  PECS ! THE  MAN BOBIES ”

 

Xander looks at charlotte then looks at his own  bobbies , then notices that yes,, he has a blank slate upon his melons. “Wtf” he says simply “why is it blank. what  are  nipples for?? do i need them????”

 

“nO BUT THEY SHOULD BE THERE!!”

 

xander is very upset,, he says to charlotte, “if we make babby siegbitch will he be  nipple-less too?? Will he have to suffer??”

 

“We’ll never find out, nohr isn’t that rich and u have no  nipzzzzz ”

 

charlotte leaves xander and does not give his cucky mfuccy some succy, all because no  nips . she goes and marries ryoma because he’s rich and he has neep nops ((but spoiler alert he doesn’t have nips either))

 

laslow walks in and sees that xander’s falchion--my bad wrong game,,

 

laslow walks in and sees that xander’s flesh rod is in need of succ and he offers the succ, xander says no homo because that’s some gey shit

 

“laslow you fucking fuckboy” xander says, and laslow doesnt care bc he’s used to ppl talking to him like that he is trash and a weak ass bish twink baby “do u have  nipples ”

 

“Oh daddy,,” laslow moans “i sure don’t ;)” 

 

“Me neither, maybe i should let me give you the succ bc charlotte won’t give my cucky mcfucky the succy because no  napples “ xander says a single tear rollin down his face. no nipple-havin lil bitch. Disappointment

 

“O yes  _ milord _ ” laslow says, oozing homosexual, “let me go get selena and odin so we can all give u the cucky succy mcfucky 2gether”

 

selena and odin were also somewhere being gay but laslow brought them to daddy xander’s room and they began to get undressed for fucc

 

“U dont have  nipples ” selena says

 

“:(“ says xander 

 

odin jus look at dem liek,,, “da fuk are dos”

 

“WAIT” says laslow, jumping out of his gay aura for approximately 7 seconds “what if some1 stole the nippels”

 

Selena just looks at them like “wow you are all fucking idiotS”

 

xander agrees with selena “of course,, _ that _ is the purpose of nipz, they provide intelligence. Amzaszing, fantastic”   
  
selanr facepalms and fuccin leaves. she only giv da mcsucky to smert people. the gays(™) are now in the room alone and dont know how to give da mcsucky because of no neepls   
  
“WAIT” Xander said. “WHAT IF DADDY STOLE THE NIPS” laslow and odin look at nodle and think “wow what a kinky sonuvabitch” 

 

“U mean,” laslow whispers ominously, “DADDY’S DADDY?!?!!?”

 

“Daddy squared” odin says bc he’s a gay nerd

 

xander clenches his fist like in the arthur meme and growls (like keaton kind of it’s hot) “curse you, father!!! u stole our nip nops,,,you stole our  _ bitches _ !!!!”

 

“We have to steal back our nip nops,! my sword i mean tome hand twitches” odin says. sword hand wtf is he talkin about lmao   
  
“he’s tryin to steal out neep nops...to become…...the  _ alpha _ nippel” xander says, and everyone is very confused “he take the nipple and they merge into the ultimate nip……...it’s really gros i mean    
Daddy Garon™ is gross in general but he just has this huge nipple on his fat flabby fucking chest”

 

“ _Mmmm_ big nips dats my kink™” filthy sinner laslow says

 

“Im kinkshaming” odin says

 

“thats my kink too ™™™™” not!inigo says

 

xanDICKKK suddenly has clothes on even tho charlotte tore them off (just trust me he is not naked) and he grab his Ragnell  oh nevermind he got the…..yato...he has the yato for some reason and he grabs it 

 

“We’re gonna go shove this up daddy garon’s ass!!!” xandork declares, and he has a six pack and he’s hawt so laslow and odin agree with him. also owaidin wants to get some cool points bc he wants to fuck xanders lil brother tomato but thats another story

 

“we’re going to kick his ass because he stole our nippals,” camp laslow say  

 

“we’re going to kick his ass because he’s ugly” odin say, very legitimate reason and im sure we can all agree, who knows how he got all those bitches pregnant

 

“we’re going to kick his ass because he didn’t use lube” xander say. yikes™

 

So they go to where garon is and ominous music starts playin in the backgroudn. XanDaddy thinks of cherlute trying to teach him about neep nop  he think  _ do it for her,,and also for the blowjobs _ and he gets allt he strength he needs to wield the sword [that is not his. Pls give corn back the yato xandog]

 

all 3 of the no nipple havin’ bitch gang gets very hrony at the sight of the huge Alpha Nipple poking through garon’s outfit fur robe thingy (report him to peta) and all pants are simultaneously shat

 

“Daddy” xandiddly says “pls give back niples i need to get charlotte back so we can make a son that has the personality of a literal wet flip flop. also i need to get my dicc wet fam pls im thirsty”

 

“I don’t have yer nips lmao what r u talking about” garon says. he literally looks like he has died and crawled out of his grave and died again several times, of course he didnt have TGE NIPS

 

“He doesnt have the nipps...what nwo,” narut-odin says, cryin. idek why hes cryin even if he had nips he wouldnt get laid he likes k-pop and yu-gi-oh and probably drinks juicy juice with his crackers

 

“O no” laslow says, interrupting not!owain “trus me, i can smell a neep nop from a mile away ;;;)))) garon-sama has The Alpha Nipple under his robe coat thing”

 

xan look at lazlor an say “you nipple less fucjin idiot i fukt ur mum lelelelelel” ((Xander/Olivia OTP))

 

all of a sudden Through The Wall comes daddy GUNTER!! he looks like an old ass man with a daddy kink and also,,,sexy scars 

 

He has on no clothes (don't soak thru ur panties ladies) and.has a massive dong but we dont care about that right now, any other.time, definitely, but.not right now

 

What we  _ do _ care about is the fact that??? Holy fuck he have neep nops…!!!! Its.canon!!! Gunter daddy has neep nops!!! In a spectacular show of dominance he grows his neep nops into swords as Xander cries because he is very confuse about what.is happening

 

Garon is decapitated instantly by guntr”s nipplle swords And gunter says, licking his lips, “there's only room for one dady here” and Xander cries some more bc he thought that.the alpha daddy was him (PLEASE no daddy wars in the comment section , PLEASE we all know the best daddy is basilio from fe13)

 

Garon is defeated by guntre’s superior neep nops , and as he falls to the ground, all the nops of the world are returned to the men who deserve them ((which means no, Chrom still does Not have nipples))

 

Charlotte doesn't get back together with xnder tho bc ryoma is rich so this whole thing was kind of pointless but good news!!! Xander ended up fucking laslow and thanks to bitch ass nintendo, there are no gay babies in fire emblem so siegbitch was never born!!

 

Also Azura dies

 


End file.
